Can't Sleep. Life Keeps Me Awake.

I can't sleep. For days now sleep has been eluding me. I can't really pinpoint it exactly, but I think it stems from this uneasiness I have in the pit of my stomach. There is too much wrong and not enough right in the world. That has to be obvious to any intelligent person. But like Gandhi said. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. So I am trying so desperately to right the wrongs of my past. Most of these things have been taken care of. Three still remain. And I am pretty sure that is the cause of my discomfort. I feel like I have failed. I preach so much yet when it comes to my own life I seem to fall down. It is a horrible characteristic. This fucking ego that wrecks havoc on my morality. But I am trying to fix it. I know that I act like I am always right. But I am not. But then why the fuck am I everyone's personal shrink. If I am the fool who knows nothing why are my words respected. Maybe because I speak from my heart? Does my heart take the nothing and churn it into something that resembles hope? Maybe. But I can't answer that question. And no one has the answer for me.

Its like my soul is on fire with the weight of my world. And everytime my friends come to me with their heartbreak and struggles, I am right there with them. Its a curse. I don't want this, but its there. Its not that I am depressed. I am just saddened by the bullshit that consumes us all.

I just can't sleep and it has gotten to me. Plus I am sick so it makes everything worse. All the insane drug journeys, liquor, school, women, reality. Ugh. But thats the experience right. You fall down for one reason and one reason only. And that is to get right back up. So here I am at 1:30 in the morning typing psychobabble from within onto a fucking computer screen. But the rambling is necessary. Even if not a single soul ever reads it. They say thought is the souls way of speaking to itself. To reassure itself that everything will be ok. I just know life goes on. Up and down. Down and up. Like a rollercoaster. And then the ride comes to an end and stops. Peace maybe. Or maybe not.

Which brings me to God. I had a very intense conversation with a girl who is Agnostic. And we were all drunk as shit and she was telling me why she believes what she believes. She was a biologist. And she believed in science. But science has no answers. What we know now could be complete garbage in X amount of years. I see science as a way to understand the power and beauty of whoever is up there. I am not saying he is watching. But science has no real answers, because these theories and beliefs change all the time. The big bang. Maybe a metaphor for God went "Let there be light!"? Appealing to me at least. Which is why I am spiritual and do not believe in religion. Religion makes no sense. It is an evil thing that causes so much pain. Moreso than good. But I see why it is here. A structure of hope for people who need it to be good people. Even though we all have these basic moral truths written into our very beings. Ah, the things I think about. All day and everyday.

Switching up the subject. In the past month I have seen an amazing thing in people and the connections we have. How it is up to us to preserve the connections with people who are good and beautiful, not physically, but mentally. I believe in good people more than ever. I have spent my time after highschool doing just that. Building a family, that is my family away from home. I was on E a few nights ago. And my brother from another mother was with me.

Him: "When you leave Sajjad. I will cry. Maybe not in front of you. But I will. Because the love I have for you is so deep. You are my brother. Whether it was in another life or whatever. You have guided me through pain with reason and love. And you absorb the pain of everyone around you."
Me: "I love you too man."

I dunno what happened here the most profound exchange occured after those words.

Me: "You know I'd take a bullet for you."
Him: "Don't say that."
Me: "No man I really would."
Him: "I'd rather die in your place. Don't even say that shit. I would never be the same again."
Me: "One of us has to suffer...."

He looked at me for a few seconds. He hugged me. And when he stepped away there was a single tear rolling down his face. It was crazy. So powerful. I have had these moments more and more with the people around me. The connections I feel towards those I love. Which is why I fight for what is right. And once again I am stating. That is why I am trying to right these wrongs. Because the people who I have been torn from are beautiful in themselves. And I know in my fucking heart that we met for a fucking reason. People come and go, but every so often I feel a tug on some invisible string. Like we were meant to have a friendship. And so right now. I fight. Stripping away my fucking pride and taking whatever humiliation comes with these battles. I am sure I am thought annoying and crazy. But I do it because I fucking believe. All we have is each other. And if we abandon each other at the first sign of trouble then all is lost. Whatever tears us apart can only make us stronger in the end. If we forgive and realize. We are all humans. Driven by uncontrollable emotions. Driven by needs and other shit. But we must not forget. Even amongst the hatred, once there was love and respect. And I am willing to face the harshness of these other people. In fact last time I tried to be simply civil I was insulted and things, hurtful things were said to me. But its ok I fight for love and respect. I just don't understand how people who know me in that way can't see it. I guess they are blinded by their anger or whatever the cause may be.

"It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited."
-Lewis B. Smedes

and with that lovely fucking rant. That just got my mind going instead of shutting it down. I am gonna try and go to bed.

Oh by the way that last poem. I wrote it about my fucking lava lamp. Just think about it for a second. Its beautiful.