Planting Seeds

I shake your hand and I understand
You may think I am insane
But the truth flows from my brain
Throughout my heart and it's entire frame

I understand the pain, oh so profound
I plant these seeds in harsh grounds
But I believe that they will sprout
Grow into benevolent plants and flowers

I am a gardener, I am watering the seeds
Small at first like beads, but growing bigger
And the thoughts get thicker, harder to process

I plant these seeds in your soul
Then I tend to the most special of gardens
Water the plants- trim the hedges- pick flowers
This isn’t about my power over you
Just the arousing of such simple truths

You may never understand, but it’s ok
The sun shines- warmth through the day
So that you may grow- get what I am saying?
In the meantime I sit here wordlessly praying

Love is a very powerful caretaker
It guides and is patient- please understand
The madness behind this straightforward man

I am a gardener of the most beautiful garden
Your soul guided by what I have learned
To awaken the thing that I always yearned
Before the fires of ignorance torch and burn



I had a great night last night. Met some cool people, drank a lot of beer. Anyhow, let me explain this poem from my own perspective even though things can be interpreted anyway you wish. That's the beauty of poetry there are many different meanings to simple words. Same goes with music. Anyhow....

I try and meet good people. I try and find people who are good people deep down but are full of shit and can't even see what they are hiding deep down within themselves. A sad quality, but it is ok, some people need a slight nudge toward the light. Kind of like Plato's allegory of the cave. Trapped, not understanding that there is much more to reality then the shadows of dancing puppets. Anyhow, so I meet these people and I try and give them something from my own perspective. I plant the seeds and I try and watch them, guide them, show them, life is beautiful. WAKE UP! And it is a hard thing to do, but you have to be the change you wish to see in the world, and you have to start with the people you love. So that is what I do.

"I plant seeds in your soul. Then I tend to the garden."

Sometimes the garden blooms and the most beautiful of flowers and plants rise from the soil. And sometimes nothing happens. That is what I do. Does that make sense? It is a bit arrogant and egotistical, but whatever. I don't know how to explain it without sounding a bit big headed.

My father always told me to fight for what you believe/want. And to never let anyone tell you don't deserve the things you put your heart and mind into. Probably one of the only pieces of advice I actually listened to. Do I know what I want? Yes, yes I do. Will I fight for what I want? Yes, yes I will. Why? Instead of asking why, lets ask why not? What do I have to lose? Nothing. What do I have to gain? Everything.

"Sometimes there is no truth, but still you do believe."
- A line from a song

Since nightmares plague my sleep, and I have yet to fall into a peaceful slumber I shall instead try and write down some thoughts.

Yesterday upon returning home I ended up in a philisophical/political discussion on the nature of the world. Mind you I was about 12 beers in, and completely inebriated, however it did not mean that anything said was any less intelligent, but probably moreso as the drunk nature of my mind brought out a strong passion. Besides the point. There was a moment in this conversation when the topic turned to leaders. The men and women who took the initiative and strived for change in the world. Of course they weren't looking to be followed, but they were. And that was the point of the debate. Does man have the ability to be a leader within himself? Perhaps. The idea definitely sounds lovely as spoken thought, but upon careful examination it is proved otherwise. We as a collective can't think for ourselves. Individuals can, but as a whole species, race, group, whatever we can't think for ourselves. Not because we don't have the ability to, but because we are stuck in a society of receiving bullshit and being just a person in the collective mob.

Leaders are necessary. And I am not talking about evil leadership. There are plenty of those. I am referring to actual leaders, who strive to better the world, and who move toward a more universal idea of peace, respect, and love for our fellow man. They are the figures who rise up and above. They inspire those who need the extra push. They fuel the fires of change, and bring light to the vile nature of the human race. Examples of these sorts of people simply off the top of my head. In no particular order. Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon, The Dalai Lama, Malcolm X (After he went to Mecca), Bob Marley, John F. Kennedy, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, or Mahatmas Ghandi etc.

These people rise whether it is through political, economic, racial, spiritual, musical, religious circumstances and alter the course of human history and leave their mark upon this earth. And they are needed. Because mankind is sick and we are like robots. We feed upon any sort of bullshit that is fed to us. A small percentage of us can think for ourselves, the other majority seems to be stuck in the darkness. Which would explain why we re-elected George Bush a few years ago, why he is still in office, and why we are still at war with a nation that did not attack us. But these leaders touch the hearts of the people and wake those who lie in the darkness of human corruption. Take my role model Ghandi for example. This old man fueled the fire of peace and prosperity for a long time. He helped free India from the rule of the British. His vision unfortunately was never fully realized (I'd also like to state that it is outrageous that Ghandi was never awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean what more can you do to achieve peace? Shiiit!), but he moved an entire country to act. He was MLK's role model as well, and MLK fuled the movement to fight for the civil rights of all minorities. John Lennon spoke out against war and racism, etc. etc.

My point being that we need leaders. We need the stepping stool to move forward. The majority of human kind can't seem to figure anything out for themselves. Except how to consume and spend money on bullshit. So we look to these leaders to start the next revolution of thought and ideals. Do we have such a leader in today's world? I haven't found one yet. But when they rise to the occasion and start the next movement. Watch and learn.

And now I shall attempt to go to sleep. I could go into this with much more detail and example. But I think you get the general idea here.

For You

Trapped are the slaves to society
No doubt, guided by false stars
Hinged expectations of propriety
Prisoners behind invisible bars
Happy is the humble servant
To his friends and family
Simply guided by observation
Of the evil that has seeded here
And taken root in our minds
Under the skin, kept so near
To the things we should hold dear
Forget the materialistic flowers
That wither away with ill circumstance
Remember to acknowledge the beauty
Of our own being and conscience
To live aware, that is our duty
And to show those the way
To the worldly essences
Of respect, friendship, and love
That swell with luminescence
Of your heart and those next to you
Travel well, and travel far
But beware of pain and hurt
For they are with you always
But only to make you stronger
Than you ever thought possible
If you battle them head on
And take the good from within
The most insane of scenarios

Remember. Life is cruel. Life is mean. Life is a big ugly bitch. But at the same time. Life is loving. Life is caring. Life is the most beautiful of all. And the journey is simply a choice. Will you let it eat you alive, or when life hits you with a torrential storm, will you dance in the rain? Why are we here? That question can have so many answers. But for me personally life is simply about the people around you. Love each other, love your friends like they were family. Respect those you don't know. Steer away from evil forces, people or otherwise. Do not let society poison you with its bullshit. Make your mission so that people remember you. And that they remember you not for your wealth, your materialistic items, your looks, but for your attitude and how you treated everyone with dignity and kindness. If you die and people remember your name and love you for what you showed them. You have accomplished a beautiful thing. It is hard. But it is worth it. The rollercoaster that never stops. You will have your moments of tranquility, you will have your moments of excitement, thrills, you will have your moments of sadness, depression, your moments of sheer terror, your moments of heartbreak, and love. But thats the ride. Thats life. It is a bitch, but it is a beautiful bitch. Above and beyond what most people can even comprehend. So I write it down for you. Whether or not I make sense. I write it for you. My people. My friends. My family.

I Write

Peace and love are the simplest of human attributes, yet they are the hardest to portray and practice.

-Myself (although I am sure many have said it many different ways).

Why is that? That such simple qualities that everyone should have within are the most difficult to bring forth from within. Like a deep splinter avoiding the grasp of the person it is stuck in. It makes me sick. Sick to my fucking stomach when I see and hear shit that my fellow human being is capable of doing. But change has to occur one person at a time. So I tread forward moving alongside the dream so many have had before me. The people who tried to preach about unification, tolerance, piety, peace, and love. Every single one killed by their fellow man. Makes me fucking sick. I swear. Whatever, I am the fighter. And I fight the only way I know how, through my words. And when I leave this Earth and those who knew me remember my name for the rest of their lives. Then I have succeeded.

Man is sick
Infected by a disease
A disease of the soul
Filled with unnecessary rage
And unholy gluttony
For everything on this Earth

Experience is a Gift

Experience makes us who we are. Everything teaches us something. These "lessons" (this isn't the appropriate term, but I can't get it out exactly, so I'll just say lessons) can be blatantly in your face, or simply hidden behind layers of what seem to be insignificant moments. That it was I truly believe. I just see it all on a weird level that most people don't understand. Maybe it is the drugs I have done, the journeys that have transpired, the battles within my mind and soul, and the crazy events of my own life. But that is what has come out of everything. Let me explain that a bit further. Every experience educates us, slowly sculpts away at our thought process, and beliefs. We are like a slab of everchanging marble that is constantly chipped away. We are never turned into a Michaelangelo masterpiece, because the masterpiece never comes, because no one can be perfect. Catch the drift? You don't have to look for meaning in every little thing. Just acknowledge and respect. That will teach you enough about everyday life. I am not saying there isn't meaning behind things, because that is not true. Events transpire and sometimes they mean the world. These are the events that shatter/affect your life in ways that you may not realize till days, weeks, months, and/or years later. And this can be both good and bad. Life is the ultimate teacher. There is no better instructor. Its just a matter of will you accept what it is trying to teach you or will you spit it out and ignore it.

The School of Pain and Pleasure
The School of Hate and Love
The School of Defeats and Victories
The School of Life and Death

All phrases are appropriate if inspected and pondered.

Someone called me a preacher once. I am not a preacher in those terms. I am simply observing and passing forward what I see under the magnifying glass. Love me or hate me. Ignore me or understand me. Nothing but love.

Scientists find most Earth-like planet yet.

Space the final frontier. Or so they say. Space is no doubt an intricate realm in itself, but whats the point. We're gonna go out into the universe and spread the disease of man? Is that the general idea? I respect space fully and acknowledge that it is a powerful place full of mystery and question. But why are we focused so much on space when we haven't even figured out the Earth 100%? Watching Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel has shown me something beautiful. It has made me realize that Earth is as mysterious as ever. So many unexplored areas, and so many unanswered questions. And here we are trying to figure out ways to settle fucking Mars. I mean no doubt this news is exciting, and maybe we aren't alone, but it doesn't do anything for us. We can't get there. And we won't be able to for a very very long time.

Repeating Myself- Restating earlier thoughts

I have come to realize that the connections between human beings is a very powerful and profound thing. Especially the connections I feel towards those I love. Which is why I fight for what is right. That is why I am trying to right the wrongs of my recent past. Because the people who I have been torn from are beautiful in themselves. And I know in my heart that we met for a reason. People come and go, but every so often I feel a tug on some invisible string. Like we were meant to have a friendship. Like my conscience is telling me. Treasure them, because they are good people, which is a rare thing in today's world of selfishness and swollen egos. And so right now. I fight. Stripping away my pride and taking whatever humiliation comes with these battles. I am sure I am thought annoying, persistent, arrogant, and crazy. But I do it because I believe. All we have is each other. And if we abandon each other at the first sign of trouble then all is lost. Whatever tears us apart can only make us stronger in the end. If we forgive and realize. We are all humans. Driven by uncontrollable emotions. Driven by needs and other basic desires. But we must not forget. Even amongst the uneasiness, the moments of cold emotions, and hatred, once there was respect, friendship, and most importantly love on some level. And I am willing to face the harshness of these other people who are blinded by these dark emotions. Who do not want anything to do with me whether it is my fault, their fault, or a collection of the two. I will continue to fight, and attempt to reestablish what once was and is no more. Before it fully fades into the shadows of time. That is my mission. That is my pledge. To all I love. God bless those who are still with me. And those who have left me. I can only hope and pray. That we all see that it is simply a poison. Deep within. That prohibits the forgiveness and reunion of good people.

Can't Sleep. Life Keeps Me Awake.

I can't sleep. For days now sleep has been eluding me. I can't really pinpoint it exactly, but I think it stems from this uneasiness I have in the pit of my stomach. There is too much wrong and not enough right in the world. That has to be obvious to any intelligent person. But like Gandhi said. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. So I am trying so desperately to right the wrongs of my past. Most of these things have been taken care of. Three still remain. And I am pretty sure that is the cause of my discomfort. I feel like I have failed. I preach so much yet when it comes to my own life I seem to fall down. It is a horrible characteristic. This fucking ego that wrecks havoc on my morality. But I am trying to fix it. I know that I act like I am always right. But I am not. But then why the fuck am I everyone's personal shrink. If I am the fool who knows nothing why are my words respected. Maybe because I speak from my heart? Does my heart take the nothing and churn it into something that resembles hope? Maybe. But I can't answer that question. And no one has the answer for me.

Its like my soul is on fire with the weight of my world. And everytime my friends come to me with their heartbreak and struggles, I am right there with them. Its a curse. I don't want this, but its there. Its not that I am depressed. I am just saddened by the bullshit that consumes us all.

I just can't sleep and it has gotten to me. Plus I am sick so it makes everything worse. All the insane drug journeys, liquor, school, women, reality. Ugh. But thats the experience right. You fall down for one reason and one reason only. And that is to get right back up. So here I am at 1:30 in the morning typing psychobabble from within onto a fucking computer screen. But the rambling is necessary. Even if not a single soul ever reads it. They say thought is the souls way of speaking to itself. To reassure itself that everything will be ok. I just know life goes on. Up and down. Down and up. Like a rollercoaster. And then the ride comes to an end and stops. Peace maybe. Or maybe not.

Which brings me to God. I had a very intense conversation with a girl who is Agnostic. And we were all drunk as shit and she was telling me why she believes what she believes. She was a biologist. And she believed in science. But science has no answers. What we know now could be complete garbage in X amount of years. I see science as a way to understand the power and beauty of whoever is up there. I am not saying he is watching. But science has no real answers, because these theories and beliefs change all the time. The big bang. Maybe a metaphor for God went "Let there be light!"? Appealing to me at least. Which is why I am spiritual and do not believe in religion. Religion makes no sense. It is an evil thing that causes so much pain. Moreso than good. But I see why it is here. A structure of hope for people who need it to be good people. Even though we all have these basic moral truths written into our very beings. Ah, the things I think about. All day and everyday.

Switching up the subject. In the past month I have seen an amazing thing in people and the connections we have. How it is up to us to preserve the connections with people who are good and beautiful, not physically, but mentally. I believe in good people more than ever. I have spent my time after highschool doing just that. Building a family, that is my family away from home. I was on E a few nights ago. And my brother from another mother was with me.

Him: "When you leave Sajjad. I will cry. Maybe not in front of you. But I will. Because the love I have for you is so deep. You are my brother. Whether it was in another life or whatever. You have guided me through pain with reason and love. And you absorb the pain of everyone around you."
Me: "I love you too man."

I dunno what happened here the most profound exchange occured after those words.

Me: "You know I'd take a bullet for you."
Him: "Don't say that."
Me: "No man I really would."
Him: "I'd rather die in your place. Don't even say that shit. I would never be the same again."
Me: "One of us has to suffer...."

He looked at me for a few seconds. He hugged me. And when he stepped away there was a single tear rolling down his face. It was crazy. So powerful. I have had these moments more and more with the people around me. The connections I feel towards those I love. Which is why I fight for what is right. And once again I am stating. That is why I am trying to right these wrongs. Because the people who I have been torn from are beautiful in themselves. And I know in my fucking heart that we met for a fucking reason. People come and go, but every so often I feel a tug on some invisible string. Like we were meant to have a friendship. And so right now. I fight. Stripping away my fucking pride and taking whatever humiliation comes with these battles. I am sure I am thought annoying and crazy. But I do it because I fucking believe. All we have is each other. And if we abandon each other at the first sign of trouble then all is lost. Whatever tears us apart can only make us stronger in the end. If we forgive and realize. We are all humans. Driven by uncontrollable emotions. Driven by needs and other shit. But we must not forget. Even amongst the hatred, once there was love and respect. And I am willing to face the harshness of these other people. In fact last time I tried to be simply civil I was insulted and things, hurtful things were said to me. But its ok I fight for love and respect. I just don't understand how people who know me in that way can't see it. I guess they are blinded by their anger or whatever the cause may be.

"It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited."
-Lewis B. Smedes

and with that lovely fucking rant. That just got my mind going instead of shutting it down. I am gonna try and go to bed.

Oh by the way that last poem. I wrote it about my fucking lava lamp. Just think about it for a second. Its beautiful.

Dont run away from lifes bullshit cause half the time these things are obstacles not problems. When you're on the run one tends to forget to listen to the heart, conscience, and emotions. If you listen to all three of these and understand what they're saying you'll get the best out of the situation. The tricky part is that, at times they all might be telling you different things but they all want the same thing. Listen to your feelings. If you can figure all this out on your own, then you'll know who you really are and what you really want in life. And most importantly dont take anything for granted. That's where everybody gets lost. You dont have to treat everything like its special, but at least acknowledge it and give it the respect it deserves.

I found this old essay of mine from my freshmen intro to Philosophy class. Here is an excerpt. Do I still believe these things? I dunno. I'll reflect more later.

So let’s break it all down. Compose a series of thoughts and ideas and flesh out my own personal philosophy. First and foremost I believe life is a crazy crazy thing. I believe that despite life’s craziness and absurdities, that it has some sort of agenda. That agenda is to live. But not live like a bum, hating your very own existence. Life is about living it to the fullest and achieving happiness. Life is about generating success so that your family will live in happiness. That means play to win, but that win isn’t for you per se, but for the future. I do believe that there are forces that try to block this goal. These would be what philosophers refer to as The Will. This will can be troublesome, but I believe that it can be overcome and contained. Otherwise if it isn’t contained it can generate major problems. I believe that to control this Will one has to use logos in everyday situations. Rational thought and logic can beat this Will into submission. I agree that society needs logos to survive. Without logos there would be chaos and destruction. It holds our lifestyle together. I agree that this life we live can seem like a dream, but that we are truly here because we can doubt that idea. Doubting our existence only confirms it. I believe in the fact that people are all trapped in a cave at some point. We all have the potential to leave that cave if we want to. I believe to truly know reality you have to travel back and forth from this cave and achieve your own individual thought. I believe in spirituality and a God of some sort. I believe that we must live our life to its full potential and try and do some good. This will give us a ticket into some sort of afterlife. Even if there is no afterlife, the idea of one is something that motivates people all across the world everyday. I don’t believe in religion necessarily, but I can see that it preserves moral order for a lot of people and it is a necessity to keep balance.

I believe that by realizing death is inevitable that we truly become free. By accepting we learn to fully live. It gives us a sense of importance to the life we live. We are freer, and more eager to spend the time we have wisely and in the best way possible. I do believe that there are certain things in life we can’t control, but we shouldn’t harp on them, but instead try to fix the situation. By doing this we keep on moving without any delays. However I do believe that part of life is to face the mini-hell we live in. But this mini-hell wasn’t created by God, but by humanity itself. We created it through ignoring our problems and simply trying to get around them. I believe that if we can face this hell that we have achieved what we should have. I believe that overall we were placed here to make a good life and that is our test. Will we destroy ourselves in the process of life, or will we overcome it and face it head on with optimism and hope? That is the real question. Once it is answered the rest is up the individual. Either go out and do something, or die feeling that you achieved nothing. I personally want to leave this life knowing that I have done all I can to see life to the fullest.

Our world is full of tricks and problems. It is a hell created by our own kind. If we can meet this head on and still do what needs to be done then we are living an examined life. Everyone has their own examined life. My examined life may be different then yours, but as long as we die happy our goals have been reached. The examined life doesn’t mean that we cannot be wealthy or successful. It simply means to look into yourself and find what you need and seek. Then go out and achieve those things. Once this is done so is the constant worry that this is all a waste. Such is life.

Induced

He sat there at his desk. In a class that did not interest him. And he nodded off. The gears in his mind clicked and grinded together and then it started. There was a boom, and across space and time a Universe was created as matter was thrown forth across great distances. And galaxies started to form. In these galaxies were stars and planets. The planet third from a sun seemed to bustle as it cooled. The rain came down and created vast oceans. From these oceans there sprung life. Life that swam, life that crawled, life that walked. Millions of years passing by, until there was man. Man spread across the globe. Wars were fought and lost. Civilizations fell and new ones rose to replace them. Famine, Disease, and disaster. Cures, and diplomacy. Technology was created to help man. It continued on and on and on. Religion, mass hysteria, crime, innovation, and inventions. It was all there. Man conquered the moon and a few nearby planets. Man tried to go further, but Man's time was up. There was an explosion as all that once was reverted back into a single dot. And he woke up from his dream. And walked out the door.

Awhile ago I was told I would change the world. And that night I had a dream, a dream that scared the shit out of me. I was speaking to a crowd of a million. How did I know it was a million? Its a fucking dream I have no idea. Anyhow I was speaking, my best friend to my left. The crowd was roaring my name. And behind me the city burned golden red. Embers, and smoke rising into the air almost blotting out the sun. And I awoke in a cold sweat. And I couldn't sleep so I sat down trying to remember what I was saying to these people. And I started writing. This is just a sample of what came out of my mind that night. Unable to sleep. Shaking. Strange I know. But it tripped me the fuck out.

To a million I say
Where is God
Where is he today
To a million I say
Where are the answers when you pray
Where is our savior from decay
To a million I say
Was it God's trust we betrayed
Who was the sheperd that led us astray
To a million I say
Where is God when a child cries
Where is he when a woman is raped
To a million I say
Where are the paths we forged
Where are the fortunes of gold
To a million I say
Did he abandon us to be alone
So that we'd gain strength on our own
To a million I say
There has to be another way
To fix what we ourselves broke
To a million I say
Earth cries tears of pain
As red blood dries and stains
To a million I say
Love yourselves and your fellow man
Do not forget what it means to be human
To a million I say
Is this the day of doom
Or is this the day of salvation
To a million I say
War, disease, and famine
Flesh burning dead in the heat
To a million I say
Save those who need saving
Those unfortunate souls who haven't eaten
To a million I say
Why all the suffering and tears
Why must we live our deepest fears
To a million I say
Wander the desert and find the stars
And heal the world's deepest scars

Lisssssssten

Forgiveness. Something we, as in Mankind, need to teach ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive each other. Over the big things and the small things. I am not saying that there aren't situations where you shouldn't forgive. Because there are those situations. Where your heart and soul have been destroyed and damaged. Completely raped and ravaged by the actions of another human being. In those instances, fuck it. Sometimes there are acts so horrendous no amount of apologies and cries can change the way you feel. But back to the situations where forgiveness can be implemented. Why is it that we do not act? That we let relationships and friendships crumble under completely stupid and absurd circumstances. Circumstances that aren't exactly as horrible as our overly dramatic minds have played them out. And the result is the loss of a friend or lover. Its complete bullshit. And I write this due to my own frustrations over my own bullshit. Learn to forgive my friends. Learn to forgive.

Tell me. Anyone. What the fuck am I here for? Myself? I don't think so. I was sitting here the other day helping someone write a philosophy paper, when I read some philosophers thoughts about how its all about maximizing your own personal happiness. Selfish prick. Because I personally think that you should be happy of course, but at the same time bring a smile to the faces around you. I dunno I get some sort of satisfaction from seeing that people are happy. Why is that? Maybe because there is way to much sadness in the world. Too much dark and not enough light, and the way we are progressing as a people just hurts my heart. We are all capable of so much and it will just never blossom the way it should.

I guess thats why I do what I can for myself. You can't save everyone. But you can go about trying to better people one person at a time. I try to do that shit on a daily basis. Some people take it to heart, some people just acknowledge it, some people spit it out like a bad taste.

To the person on my left
Shake my hand
I am just a friend
Share a story
Sit awhile
How is it over there?
Its not the same as here
To the person on my right
Welcome to my world
Show me yours
Tell me of your travels
I'll share some of mine
And as we speak
Like keeps flowing